exposing my heart.

Frizzion.

2012-02-05T15:46:00.001+08:00

They had known each other for years.

Belonging to different cliques, they rarely acknowledged each others existence. When meeting in social situations, conversations were usually generic, stilted, and greatly awkward.

But as always with all love stories, it all began with a spark. Although always friends albeit with barely anything in common, there was that one defining, unguarded moment when they looked into each other's eyes, and definitely felt a frizzion zap through, effectively connecting their souls, for those few seconds where you feel you know the other intimately.

You feel a connection. It's like that line in the Avatar movie where blue people say "I see you" — "I see your soul".

Suddenly, it seems like anything is possible. And you'd do anything to keep this connection going, just because it felt so amazingly magical.

*

Does this only happen to me?

When you meet a random person and feel sparks fly between the both of you with just one look, and suddenly you feel like you're meeting a kindred spirit?

You have never seen this person in your life before. But suddenly for that mere second you feel like you and that person were definitely meant to be close, if not together?

When a frizzion passes between you two, and you both feel it, holding gazes a tiny moment longer than necessary, before shaking it off and continuing on your way. You then promptly forget about the whole incident within the next five minutes.

This happens to me all the time. You may say it is a side effect from watching too many girly chick flicks, and as such believe that there is a miraculous, breath-taking love story waiting around the corner for every lonely girl, one enormously romantic strangers/enemies/bestfriends to lovers tale just a heartbeat away. When you become just a tiny bit deluded and detached from reality, lost in rose-tinted clouds.

Well maybe I am, but what if those frizzions were of the genuine variety, rather than the type that is just built up in your own head, where you think that some cute guy may be into you?

Frizzions can happen even between the same sex, and needn't be of any sexual nature. Indeed, frizzions have nothing to do with sex at all, despite popular belief. It's just a shock of supercharged emotions that effects from locking eyes with another. It can even happen between friends and family members, although barely noted due to the already supposed closeness, hence connection between souls then is usually taken for granted.

But back to the random stranger on the street for now.

What if that one look between two strangers was really a meeting of souls? When you brush it off and forget about it, are you missing a shining opportunity to truly connect with another kindred spirit?

Do frizzions even mean anything to the cautious modern society, who'd choose to retreat into one's antisocial bubble rather than approach this other person?

Well yes, there are safety issues to be considered. But sometimes, taking a chance may greatly pay off in the long run. How many of us can truly say we have enough people in our life that we can truly connect with and not hold back any of ourselves?

So yes, I encourage you all to take note of these frizzions. And when you encounter them, simply smile at the other, and if you really feel the connection, perhaps it's time to pop that little bubble and allow others into your life.

*

So the moment of frizzion has passed. Although it may have been a product of drink or overimagination, she realises that this is truly a scenario of "it's now or never". This may after all be your soulmate, someone to spend forever with after all those silly cliques melt away.

Its either go for it, or don't regret not doing so. She has 30 days and counting.

Tick, tock, tick, tock.

Uncertain.

2012-01-19T15:45:00.002+08:00

So my first week of my degree life is almost over.

On the forefront, it does seem like studying Law is going to be very exciting, particularly as it does concern many very common current issues such as crimes, contracts, libel and defamation etc. More importantly, it'll give me valuable knowledge about how to avoid being sued, and how to sue others. (Though hopefully nothing will come to that.)

On the other hand, all the lecturers have emphasized on the importance of staying updated with the law, cases, and policies, not just in the UK or Malaysia, but in other common law jurisdictions as well. This has not yet included the necessary research (read : blatant plagiarism) on journals and articles by judges and legal academics.

In a nutshell, readreadread until your poor strained eyes can take it no more.

This is, however, not yet another long-winded rant post complaining about the workload. Yet. The academic year is still new, the bright shiny optimism is still present and checked, and there's still a buzz of excitement about the new classes.

No, this is a post about my musings on my future. Because I have no idea about what I want to do with my life.

My greatest dream, ever since I could ever remember, was to write. To simply let my imaginary stories dance across pages for everyone else to enjoy. I have always lived with my head above the clouds with made-up characters and fairytales; which also provides a nasty inkling that I shouldn't be studying something that requires me to be very consistently and firmly grounded.

However, my writing dreams have never come to fruition. I don't mean the lack of any actual success with my work, I mean that I have yet to even buckle down and start planning a decent plot, which is how it all begins.

I'm too frightened to thoroughly contemplate living with an unstable career, and the horror of having to resort to living the cliche life of working part-time while trying to make a mark in the publishing world. Also, don't we have more than enough fiction writers than one can shake a stick at? How far could one actually go?

Then of course, there was the typical childhood dream of becoming a performer. Thankfully, my singing and dancing dreams have been uprooted, simply because I realised I enjoy it more as a hobby and have too much stage fright to take things any further. Otherwise, there would be another option in the mix which would complicate things further.

But what if I decided not to pursue my literary dreams, but instead took the road more travelled by and became a solicitor? (Far be it for me to even consider becoming a barrister.) The road wouldn't be any more easy to travel, but there is a further reaching sense of security.

Would I hate myself though? Would I resort to blaming those I love for not chasing after this dream? Or am I just being incredibly naive thinking that people actually grow into the life they dreamed of achieving as a child?

It's not that I'm not interested in Law, because I am eager to learn about the workings of the judiciary, particularly that of the UK; but can one mistake mere inquisitivity for passion?

The reason for this whole debacle taking residence in my mind now is because I've now realised that I may be doing this (non-stop legal research) for the rest of my life. A close family lawyer friend has also remained unattached for almost all of her adult life; her contracts being her bible and life partners. Is that how I would want to end up?

Of course, I may be just somehow inventing all these doubts as excuses for being work-shy. I may also be excessively emotional due to PMS as my period is due soon (yes, during CNY no less), but I just wanted to document this nonsensical rant, hoping it will make sense to someone, because it certainly makes no sense to me.

Providence, please light my way.

My unbiased Twisties Superstarz experience.

2012-01-12T19:23:00.004+08:00

In the admittedly short period in which I have restarted blogging, I have yet to actually hammer out an "event" post, which basically is about any sort of outing I've recently been for.

My reasons are simple, besides the everpresent laziness, the most dominant reason is : I HAVE NO SOCIAL LIFE TO SPEAK OF. If I were to list down all my outings, they'd consist of mainly going out for lunch/dinner/supper with the exact same 3-7 people I regularly met up with all year. All are old high school mates; unfortunately have had little to no luck of really clicking with anyone in college.

Another reason is that blogs that always seem to feature outings can only be successful if they're written by famous people, otherwise noone cares who you went out with, what you wore, or what you ate. It gets extremely self-indulgent and falls flat, and I personally don't enjoy writing "event" posts that much.

But anyway, writing these in moderation won't hurt, and this isn't just any typical outing!

As the title suggests, I was at Twisties Superstarz, which was held at KL Live Centre last Saturday. It was a singing reality show thing ala American Idol, and I was singing back-up vocals for Nick Ng, one of the 8 finalists in the running to win the RM20k reward.

I managed to convince close friends Paul, Tzi Ying, and Sze Jie (3/7 of the usual people I hang out with) to come for the event to ahem support me. Thats what I told them, but honestly just wanted to be sure that I wouldn't be feeling madly alone and left out that night.

With Sze Jie & Tzi Ying, who shall be referred to as Zinc (my nickname for her) from now on. And umm since I have never posted a picture of myself on this blog before, I suppose you wouldn't know which person in the above pic is me.

I'm really self-conscious about this because I am unbelievably unphotogenic. But I suppose I shouldn't lie to my non-existent readers. Please turn your attention towards the person at the far right of the pic wearing a neon orange jacket.

Yup, that's me. Sexy eh?

With Paul & Sze Jie, after having kfc for dinner, which was the only affordable place to eat nearby.

I was free to hang out with them the whole night until the 2nd round of performances (finalists had to prepare 2 songs each), because Nick only requested back-up help for his 2nd song.

I really enjoyed most of the 1st round performances! 2nd round ones were mostly super disappointing. I'm no music expert so am not gonna bother doing a long, boring rundown on every single song choice like a narcissistic judge wannabe.

However, the most standout performances in terms of vocals, stage presence, and crowd interaction in my opinion were Cheryl's "Last Dance", Heart Attack's "A Thousand Years", and Jason's "Nothing", in exactly that order.

I honestly can't recall any other performances so they must've sucked (only my personal opinion mind!), and Nick isn't included there because I know him personally and I was involved in one performance so I don't trust myself to be unbiased in ranking him, but rest assured he was amazing!

This is Cheryl Koh. She won first runner up for the competition, but I am firmly convinced that noone deserved the title more than her. She's the youngest contestant at just 16, and everything about her is small (she's really short and skinny, pocket-sized really) except for her voice. By oh so far the strongest singer in the competition, and probably one of the best in Malaysia.

Check out this video of her! Admittedly not great, but was the best I could find and does not by a mile justify her talent.

I'm probably rambling on a bit too much about her, I'm sorry, but she really did blow me away! I was probably staring at her with googly eyes the whole night too, bet anything she thinks I'm creepy. (which I am)

This is Jason O'Malley. His name reminds me of Aristocats, one of my fav childhood movies. Must download that movie soon.

Took a pic with him because he is the best looking guy in the competition, and I'm only human. The fact that he did one of my fav performances that night had no influence whatsoever on my decision to ask for a picture. Gosh I am so shameless.

This is Nick, who very sadly did not place in the top 3. Have known him for a few years now, and have always loved his performance style; will probably never ever stop supporting his music. Check out his YouTube channel here if you're curious or just bored!

Nick's first song was Sunday Morning by Maroon 5, which went off really great, and the second one was Man In The Mirror, which he asked me and another guy called Jeremy to sing back-up for.

One big perk of being backstage : pics with celebrities!

This is Jin, you may know him as one of the hitz.fm's radio hosts. He was one of the emcees of the night, along with VJ Holley from MTV!

Small side note, VJ Holley was probably the worst professional emcee I've ever experienced. She did not bother to interact or connect with the crowd at all, and was probably only there to represent MTV and look pretty. (She's soo pretty!)

With Mizz Nina! One of Malaysia's most famous artistes!

Spot me if you can! This was literally the only pic I could find of his performance where I was actually visible.

My experience of being a back-up singer wasn't as glamorous or exciting as I had hoped. Wanted to get out of my comfort zone and experience new things this year, hence jumped at the opportunity Nick offered. But honestly? You're nothing but an invisible support net for the main singer.

Zinc later told me that the back-up singers were barely audible; only where we were harmonizing could she hear tones (no actual words) of Jeremy and I.

I know that's the point of having back-up vocalists, but I dunno, just wished people could actually hear me sing. And I'm not being completely unrealistic, there were a few lines that were only sung by the back-ups while Nick did vocal runs, which were probably not heard and may have ruined the impact we envisioned.

In conclusion? I would only ever back-up sing again if my voice would actually make a difference to the overall performance. I did enjoy the rush that comes with being on stage!

And so this wraps up my unexpectedly long post on Twisties Superstarz. I sincerely thank you if you've remained enthralled thus far!

The winner and 2nd runner up of the competition were Eddie and Avantgarde respectively, whom I both think did not deserve to win. I'm sure they're nice people, but there were much better others that far outshone them that night.

Definitely an exciting start for 2012! Am so looking forward to the rest of the year!

(Images sourced from here, here, and here.)

The story of a fat girl.

2012-01-09T17:37:00.002+08:00

I've never been slim, skinny, or in any way small. No, this isn't one of those lines where I expect someone to disagree and go "no way, you look fine!", or some other reassuring line. I'm not saying I'm obese or handicapped because of my weight either.

Because this isn't a story of how I hate my weight. This is a story of how other people hate it.

I am inherently shy and introverted (not to be confused with being weak, mind), and hence tend to not lash out or yell back at anyone who insults me, but rather keep it tamped down within me. Imagine anger as a big fiery rotating ball of energy, being continuously forced down with a damp towel; which basically describes what I used to do on a daily basis.

Growing up, one particular family member, lets call the person Q, used to really pick on me due to my weight. I'm talking like, whenever I said or did something not to Q's liking, like being clumsy or slow, Q would call me "FAT".

Q didn't actually need a reason for the insults; Q addressed me as "FAT" the way you would call your mom "mommy". Q never relented with the insults, addressing me as "FAT" in front of other relatives, Q's friends, my friends, and in public as well.

I tolerated it for roughly 8 years, until Q left the house. I breathed a huge sigh of relief, finally managing to walk with confidence in my own home and not worry about being addressed as "FAT", and feeling mortified, incompetent, and embarrassed in my own home.

Q wasn't the only family member that had no qualms of insulting me because of my weight. My least favourite uncle, who is himself tubby, as is his wife, once went visiting with us one recent Chinese New Year. When all of us squeezed into the elevator, it started beeping (we were over the max people limit), and he boomed "Uh oh, guess the biggest sized one has to get out eh, Julia?".

Noone ever thought that I cared, just because I so rarely lashed out at Q, so everyone assumed it was ok. More family members started joining in with the habit, with me continuously gritting my teeth, and willfully ignoring that ever-growing ball of fire within me.

I wasn't safe outside of home either.

Close friends in school made jokes about my weight too. One particular close friend used to be fond of saying I was 1km wide, and whenever I ran/jumped/jogged/anything other than walked, there would be a massive earthquake. Some friends that had been over to the house and heard Q addressing me, sometimes called me "FAT" too.

One particularly sad memory I keep trying to repress is one of my old crush that I sat next to in class calling me "FAT" whenever we fought. (This was in primary school, where play fighting was still normal.)

It always stung.

Never once have I been truly able to completely brush it off. Every single time someone called me "FAT" or simply implied it, my face would turn to stone, while I forcefully doused the ball of anger.

I spent a lot of time crying alone at home those years. I had zero self-esteem or confidence. Well, just enough to stop myself from turning to anorexia or bulimia (no big struggle with the latter though, the mere thought of throwing up repulses me), but I completely shut myself off from shopping because I hated having to reach for an "L" instead of an "S".

If by this point, you are thinking of yelling at me to just go on a diet/exercise more/take slimming pills, bear in mind that I've always been trying to lose weight, just with little success. Being chubby as well as naturally big boned (aforementioned horrid uncle has once announced I was built like a man and should bulk up) also did not help matters.

It took a long time, and a difficult internal struggle for me to reach the state of self-confidence I have now. Admittedly, I am still fragile and will probably always be, but I have since forgiven those who have so blatantly hurt me in the past.

This post isn't one to celebrate me getting over those awful years of my life. This is to show how ignorant, rude people can easily destroy someone inside. Emotional abuse is not something that has gotten a lot of attention, simply because it is not easily proven. Less strongwilled people have killed themselves over continuous putdowns from others around them.

It is so easy to let an insult slip from your tongue. It only takes a second to ruin someone's day/week/month depending on their level of confidence. Those dark years of my life have among others, taught me to control my tongue. I truly believe that if you have nothing nice to say, you shouldn't say anything at all.

I want to highlight the struggles faced by those who are fat, handicapped, disfigured, or in any way not compatible with how society wants us to look like. Despite our unattractiveness, we are human and have feelings too, believe it or not.

Sucks that while we are self-consciously trying to blend into society, some will loudly call out our flaws, and others will follow suit. You know that old saying? Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me? It was obviously said by someone who has it all and knows it.

Insults hurt. Its a form of abuse, and like its much more publicized counterpart physical abuse, should also be actively eradicated.

To whoever that has managed to read thus far, I heartily thank and congratulate you for putting up with such a long, emotional rant.

This was not easy to write, and I have wavered over publishing it or not. However, I have grown stronger, but people have not become any less ignorant. Thus, this was meant to be an open message to everyone out there.

The next time you call someone fat/ugly/poor/etc albeit not intending to hurt them, unless that someone is extremely close to you and knows without a shred of doubt that you're joking, you will slowly destroy them.

"By swallowing evil words unsaid, no one has ever hurt his stomach." - Winston Churchill.

A fresh start.

2012-01-04T16:52:00.001+08:00

Its 2012!

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

Ahem. I am completely aware that it is already the 4th of January and the new year bubbliness and hopefulness is wearing thin all around, as we get back to real life after the ball drops. Not that Malaysians are in the same time zone as the US, or that I was actually at Times Square, but I digress.

This new year's eve, I celebrated at home. I ate ice cream and watched a happy movie, Shrek 2 (my fav Shrek movie!) with the family.

Sounds boring huh. I would like to say that the only reason I stayed in was because earlier that day, I was 2 hours away from home, attending my great grandmother's funeral. God bless her, may she rest in peace.

But anyway, it meant that I was only home by 7pm. Roads to the city centre were starting to pile up, and most people were already at or near to their party destinations. Meaning getting to wherever my friends were celebrating the new year would be an unpleasant experience for the impatient driver, aka me.

However, as it turned out, my friends somehow all individually opted to stay home for new year's eve. I mean, we're not the "party people" that others are, and hey by no indication does this mean we are boring even though we probably are, but this was new years eve, which is the time to party!

But no, they remained home. So with the lack of an agenda, so did I. And so ushered in the new year playing minesweeper on my iPhone. Not such a great start huh.

But I am hopeful for greater things to come this year. Even though I'm not the type that makes new years resolutions, I do intend on working harder on my sorely neglected blog this year.

I know its not glitzy or glamorous, but its my precious baby; where I can truly let my words run freely. I rarely blog because well, I need a spur of inspiration for ideas to flow. However, I aim to post something at least once a week this year.

Time to do what I love the most more : write.

I hope whoever reading this, will have an inspired and productive 2012! I love my non-existent readers. Yeay.

More to life.

2011-11-19T16:02:00.003+08:00

"When you face your fear of the world of tomorrow, you become a different person altogether." -- author unknown.

I realise that this is going to be an unpopular topic. Nevertheless, it is one I knew with absolute certainty that this just had to be my next post, which is why I've been putting off blogging. That, and I've been really busy with my exams the past few weeks, which are now OVER yay!

So anyway, today's topic is the ever-uncomfortable discussion of Death, and what I believe lies beyond the grave. Please note that this is a very personal discussion, and my personal opinion was formed throughout this whole week of deep reflection. Everyone is entitled to his/her own opinion on such a sensitive issue.

I don't know how the thought just crept up in my head about 10 days ago. Suddenly, I was caught in the fear of the unknown, of what would happen once we passed beyond that astral curtain.

Would we just cease to exist? That all our experiences and spirit would fade away together with a rotting corpse? Or would we simply pass on from one form of existence to another, aka reincarnation?

The uncertainty of what lies beyond made me horribly anxious, leaving me unable to eat, sleep, or generally focus on anything else. I literally felt a huge permanent weight in my stomach, and it felt as if even my senses had dulled, leaving the world around me strangely dreary.

I am a Catholic Christian, and so is my entire family. Since before I could remember, we were taught that when we die, we would be Judged by God, and either sentenced to a life in Heaven or Hell for eternity. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I also believe that this is the viewpoint of most other major religions.

Either way, I was torn apart. I felt I was in a very dark place in my mind, and I felt that life was so meaningless, that our time was so limited that we could die merely seconds from now. My life felt like Final Destination after that, and with everything I did I pictured how it could tragically result in ultimate demise.

I just had so many concerns over this uncertain future. How did death feel like? Was it unbearably painful? Was it an incomparable feeling of deep relief? Or was there no sensation at all? Also important, would we ever see our loved ones again?

I was so afraid.

The fear persisted to haunt me in everything I did, and so I just had to face it. The fear of uncertainty of the world of tomorrow is a constant fear that I believe almost everyone has encountered and promptly dismissed. But since death is one thing we all will face one day, it would make much more sense if we addressed this fear.

I went into a lot of thought, reasoning, and most importantly prayer. It was unbelievably soul-draining and emotional, but I believe I came out a better, more focused person. Fear is a powerful thing indeed, and should be used as a driving force, not a crippling one.

What I came up with was that I truly believe that we were put on this earth for a reason, and that we were not going to pass over into nothingness, because that was not the purpose of our creation.

I guess facing my fear brought me closer to my religion. I believe that if we do our absolute best, one day we'll be rewarded for it. And people you love now, you will meet again in the next life. We will never walk alone, because the everloving God is always by our side.

Thus, it is time I live my life to serve Him, instead of to serve man. Time to be less selfish and judging towards others, and work on improving myself. For we are not people of the world, but people of God's kingdom.

I suppose reflecting on this also helped me pinpoint the most important things in my life : my relationships. My ties with God, family, and friends. It is just too easy to take things and people for granted, but once they're gone, you miss them so much and wish you had appreciated them more before. I no longer want to feel that deep-seated regret of not allowing one to make a greater impact on my life while they were still alive.

I hope that through this reflection, I will become a better person. I have since no longer been carrying that huge ball of fear and anxiety in my stomach, but the lessons learned remain afresh.

Please note yet again that I understand that this is just my own viewpoint, and it was very difficult to share it as it really is highly personal. I respect everyone else's view on this subject, and I have no intention of forcing my beliefs on anyone.

All I hope is that for whoever reads this, you will learn to treasure each fleeting moment more than before, because the only thing one can be completely sure of in life is death. Live your life to the fullest!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going out to enjoy the sunshine while we still have an ozone layer to prevent me from turning into a scary zombie-esqe mutant. Next up, to join the zombie army and bring about the zombie apocalypse!

(I'm just kidding. Honestly, I think the zombie apocalypse is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard of, yet its still become so scarily popular. We are NOT going to be hunted and eaten by reanimated corpses, nor can we re-kill the undead with fire and bullets. Just saying.)

"Friend zone".

2011-10-27T16:41:00.001+08:00

(Placed in inverted commas because I think it's one of the silliest things ever.)

The "friend zone" lament by guys has been overcrowding all forms of social networks nowadays.

All over the Internet, guys are complaining of being "everything a girl says she's looking for", but yet she only considers him as a friend.

They protest that girls are idiots that always fall for the asshole guy that screws them over and bleeds them dry, and then have the nerve to say that all guys are assholes, simply because they "friend zone" the nice guy that's been in front of them this whole while.

Umm, hello pot, it's the kettle calling. Won't you please answer my call?

What about guys that "friend zone" girls?

What about those girls that you yourselves have put in your own "friend zone" while you were chasing this hot chick that you already knew didn't like you the same way?

You know, those girls you think are "nice", but they're just too fat/ugly/stupid/boring for you to be interested in?

Aren't you yourselves guilty of putting these people in the "friend zone" yourselves just because you could never in a million years see yourselves dating them?

So why are us girls being shot down for being too picky then?

Guys claim girls set their standards too high. They want a successful guy that's also good looking and kind hearted, which is near impossible for 99% of the male population to be.

Well then, what kind of girls are you searching for?

Definitely the tall, leggy, busty supermodel with a brain to boot right? (Ok I'm kidding, I know the brain is optional.)

And obviously, this amazingly hot chick wouldn't date plain ol' you. But you spend all your time whining and pining over her, blaming the "friend zone" for standing in your supposedly otherwise clear path.

Dude, you never stood a chance. As neither do those other non-bombshell girls waiting in the sidelines.

But wait. What is that you are now saying?

"I couldn't possibly imagine dating her, she's just like a friend to me!"

Precisely my next point.

A person is only put in the "friend zone" because of the lack of sparks/chemistry/butterfliesinyourtummy.

You are only put in the "friend zone" because simply enough, he/she is not attracted to you.

All the love and laments and time spent pining over another will not work out in the end if there are just no sparks there to ignite.

All that just happens in fantasies. And every single Hollywood chick flick ever made. (Stop watching those, they're all lies!)

You can't force someone to feel something for you. Noone can control how or to whom these sparks fly, especially times when you fall for someone you just know is 100% wrong for you.

Yes, it is unfair because you love him/her so so much but nothing would ever transpire. But so what?

It isn't the end of the world. Just forget it if it's not gonna work out anyway, bitch about it to your friends, then pick yourself up and start all over again.

As they say, there are plenty more fish in the sea. And if you wait long enough, a special fish might swim into your net. Even if not, pick up your nets and cast them at another location.

So to all you dudes that blame your hopeless love lives on the "friend zone", guess what?

YOUR ARGUMENT IS INVALID.

Aspirations.

2011-10-13T12:39:00.001+08:00

I wish I could write about something else. But there's only one thing on my mind. And that's you, ML.

Stupid crush sapping away all my focus to study. Sigh.

I realise though, that this is just an excuse. I've been able to perform well in these kind of situations before. Maybe I'm just not serious enough about what I'm doing.

Why though? Do I honestly still think my dream of writing, of performing will actually come to fruition?

Perhaps I do, and my excuse for merely being above average and not exceptional is because I want that get-out clause.

I still dream about being able to do what I love for a living. Not just what I am willing to tolerate.

To be able to pour my heart out in writing, in song, in dance. Expressions of the soul just for the sake of expression; pure and without holding back.

Sigh. Dreams that will never come to be, burried away in that elephant graveyard at the back of my mind.

Back to reality, Jules. Focus.

Back to law.

My heart skips a beat.

2011-10-11T14:34:00.005+08:00

How do you expect me to react to your platonic words, when every fibre of my being wishes to hurl myself across at you?

Knowing that it is not in the slightest way possible that anything could ever transpire from this unfortunate infatuation, how am I supposed to handle things?

As it is, how do you control whom your heart beats for, whose name you most long to pop up on your phone screen, whom's arms you most want to be in, and whom remains the last thought in your head and the first when you wake up?

This is ridiculous.

It's been going on for so long. This crazy little crush that has been occupying my thoughts and fantasies for the past month.

All I know of you is what you choose to project to the world. I choose to believe you have a beautiful soul, and a pure heart.

I choose to believe that the passion that flares in your eyes when you speak of what clearly excites you is real. I choose to admire your supposed amazing dedication and your hardworking spirit.

Sometimes, looks really do not matter. I hardly even notice how you look like. (Unless you're wearing a suit, which I have a fetish for.) What lies beneath your surface is sufficient to keep me wrapped around your little finger.

However, since I do not know you at all, how do I really know that is who you really are? Or is everything just an intriguing facade?

Regardless, you have no idea I exist. To you, I am just another within a sea of meaningless faces. To think otherwise would be foolish.

It would be much more sensible for you to be with one of your own circle, and not with one who would clearly cause much trouble for both sides. Given a choice, I'm certain you would rather want someone you could connect better with on every level.

Also, I've been down a similar path before. It hurt so much the previous time, what makes me think this will be any different?

But don't you see, you can't rationalise everything.

I can't explain why this persistent infatuation lingers, or why this spark alights within me with you.

This has to be the most reckless crush I've ever had. Given that if it actually worked out between us, I would be sacrificing my whole future.

Honestly, my whole life would be turned upside down if this actually came to be. I would lose every shred of credibility I ever had, and the ensuing rumour mill would be brutal and scarring.

Regardless, I still want this; want you.

And it scares me sometimes, how deeply you can fall, how strongly you can long, for someone you don't know.

For ML : with all my heart.

How to change the world.

2011-10-07T18:10:00.001+08:00

My iPhone comes with an inbuilt story.

It all started when I decided I simply had to go for the Lion King musical in Marina Bay Sands, Singapore. The show was enjoyable I suppose, but a great letdown in the sense that I expected my first professional musical experience to be life changing, being a lover of the arts. (That, and ticket prices cost a bomb.)

Oh digressing a bit here. Did you notice the 'cost' in the last sentence of the previous paragraph being used in place of 'costed'? Apparently 'cost' itself is the past tense of 'cost'.

Initially I typed 'costed', but my OCD was killing me as I couldn't recall any situation where the word 'costed' was ever used. So I just had to go look it up to pacify my mad OCD. Stupid thing.

Ok digression over.

So anyway, when the family and I were in Singapore, we took the train the get around. My dad even complained that the trains were taking too long, which was ridiculous as I have to endure 30 mins waiting for an overcrowded train every weekday. (Seriously, after my education I never wanna take that stupid ktm disaster ever again.)

The point being, EVERYONE ON THAT TRAIN WAS USING AN IPHONE. It didn't seem to matter which direction we turned, everyone of every age was happily tapping away on their intuitive touch screens of their overpriced phones.

This kinda drove my mom into an intense state of (peer?) pressure.

She spent the next few days lamenting that she wanted an iPhone. Granted, her phone was in dire need of replacement, given it didn't even ring when people called, regardless of whether it was on silent mode or not.

You should probably know that my mom is a technophobe. And this is coming from me, that knows less about technology than anyone I know. Hence, a smartphone would honestly be wasted on her.

But my dad, being my amazing dad, went ahead and bought her an iPhone 4 for her birthday a few weeks later.

And get this.

Less than 24 hours after she started using it, she declared it was too complicated and promptly decided to give it to me.

Bear with me now, a tiny snippet of background information required here. That being, I have always been very outspoken on how I do not want to own an iPhone, even way before our little trip.

I disdained it for being too expensive, too popular, and too quickly made obsolete when the newer model comes out.

Also, I dislike touch screen phones as they seem impossible for me to type with. It was sufficient for me to play with my friends' iPhones when I wanted to play an iPhone app, and then return to my reliable old phone with good ol' buttons.

However, my phone has been serving me since I was 14. It stood the test of time, and doubtless has seen me through my many changing stages of life, but how could I say no to a free smartphone that would serve me so much better?

And so I made a life changing decision. And I have since eaten all my words.

I literally cannot live without my iPhone.

I use it for everything imaginable, and then some. I mean, I spend hours playing games, no longer carry around my camera and iPod anymore, and I haven't touched a computer in weeks, because I can now get it all in one place. In fact, all blog posts thus far have been typed on my iPhone.

It's amazing how convenient that one little phone can be. Honestly, I can now understand why it become such a global phenomenon.

Admittedly the touch screen keyboard thing was difficult at first, but after you've been glued to the phone for so long, you get used to it.

It's been little over a month since I first received my iPhone, and I now suffer separation anxiety every single time my phone is not within direct reach.

In plain words, the iPhone changed my life. And probably millions of satisfied customers all around the globe will have similar sentiments to share.

And all the kudos goes to one amazing man.

Steven Paul "Steve" Jobs

(Feb 24, 1955 - Oct 5, 2011)

iThankyou Steve Jobs. You have truly changed the world.

May your soul rest in peace, Amen.

Game of Love.

2011-10-06T20:53:00.001+08:00

It is a danger when you realise you feel something for someone you should have never felt something for in the first place. When you realise you spend almost all your waking moments thinking about him. (Which is made worse by the problem of impending examination doom.)

But isn't there a sort of masochistic allure that draws you towards unrequited love?

This same allure of all classic romance yarns the like of Romeo and Juliet, Mark and Cleopatra; all revolving around the single principle of one daring to believe they could love someone they shouldn't.

Perhaps Hollywood has also played it's part towards all this "dreams will come true" nonsense. The sheer volume of romantic movies that has been churned out to cater to this forbidden allure. (Guilty of being one of these suckers.)

But who ever really knows?

Maybe I will end up with this guy. Maybe we'll end up really falling in love and sail off into the sunset together.

The whole point is, regardless of how unlikely the chances, who are we to tell our hearts to stop beating for that certain someone? How do you stop (perhaps one-sided) meaningful glances from occurring?

Ultimately, who are we to stop love when it chooses to smack us in the face, albeit in the least expected form?

Hmm.

However, this may not be love. Naïve as I may be, I believe I have learned though countless heartwrenching ordeals to be able to differentiate between love and infatuation. (Teehee I sound so worldly.)

Nevertheless, a pounding heart and an indescribable need still pulses through me everytime you walk by. You will never know this though.

We are worlds apart, after all.

But until this feeling goes away, who knows what may happen. In the safe confines of my mind of course.

(For ML : a hidden desire of which he will never know.)

Frustration.

2011-10-06T15:42:00.001+08:00

I feel like a fool. It seems like everywhere I turn, my bad decisions choose to follow me.

I'm tired of this. It's bad enough I know that I'm completely unprepared for what is to come. I don't need added expectations of so many weighing down my shoulders and shrieking in my ears.

Depression? Possibly. Am definitely exhausted enough to qualify as being completely stressed out. Sleep deprivation does that to you.

That's right y'all.

It's exam season.

Hours upon hours of last minute cramming; blaming my incessant procrastinating for putting me yet again in this position I swore I'd never put my self in again.

Every time I struggle to remember yet another fact that has casually sashayed off my brain, I feel yet another soul-draining moment of pure terror.

It's not easy being me. (Oh har har, yet another typical teenage warcry.)

But when blessed with abilities of more than the average student, you tend to stand out, which leads to so much being expected of you. The pressure alone would kill anyone.

And yourself of course. Letting down yourself that would be the worst failure of all. Clichéd perhaps, but aren't most clichés true to begin with?

Especially at this stage of your life. Tertiary education is so different because it's something you actually feel passionate about.

But to be able to write 3 long essays in 1 and a half hours has proven to be one of the hardest challenges ever faced. And I truly worry it will lead to my downfall.

Seems as if no matter how hard I try, I'm still a far cry away from what I want to achieve. Procrastination is following me everywhere.

It sticks to me like a second shadow and seems to have brought along it's good pal Anxiety. (Oh yes hello there.)

But many have walked down this road and excelled. I know I could too, but it's so highly unlikely at this stage.

It feels like I'm heading for imminent doom.

And this frustrates me.