(Read Episode 1 here.)
"Hey Julia, why don't you join a gym?" Asks a good friend of mine, with no ill intent; just because a group of college friends have very recently become gym members.
What reasons could I possibly have to not want to make myself more attractive? I mean, if I'd just take a few hours out of my day to work out, I'd be a hot beach babe in no time, right?
But then again, I really couldn't care less about becoming hot. At least, not right now when my finals are only two months away. I mean sure, it's not like I couldn't spend a little less time on my smartphone and go break a sweat, but I just can't be bothered.
I have never been skinny all my life. And almost every single day I get some idiot poking fun at my weight. It never ever fails to sting, but if it had mattered that much to me, I would've become anorexic or bulimic many years ago.
Right now however, I'm just happy and comfortable with my body. Sure, I have dark days where I consider doing very unhealthy things, but for the most part I'm a plump, carefree person surrounded by family and friends who love me very much. If I had lost my support system, no doubt my focuses in life would have been very different, so I am very blessed and grateful for them.
Losing weight has been a neverending struggle for me for 11 years now. Pictures tell me that my weight fluctuates from year to year, but it has more or less stabilised in the past 2 years. Since I am far from being obese or overweight (according to BMI checks), all my extra weight serves to do is make me less physically appealing to the opposite sex. Females unsurprisingly love me because I never pose a threat in their conquests, and I'm always the ugly hag that tags along and basks in their shimmering wake of beauty.
Another reason would maybe be that losing weight isn't as much an issue for me as staying healthy. I have 2 dance lessons per week, and usually do my own exercises on the other alternate days. Despite my weight problem, fitness has never been an issue for me. I know I'm physically capable of much more than others would perceive, but I suppose my diet is just too unhealthy for my weight to drop, and I'm far too undisciplined when it comes to any sort of dieting.
I can never skip meals, but I can generally control snacking impulses, unless it involves baked goods. My main problem would be that I eat out fairly often, and we all know there's nothing even remotely healthy with Malaysian street food. And I'm also a "live to eat" kind of person, so the desire to indulge usually prevents any sort of weight loss.
I know of some people that willingly starve themselves to lose weight. Especially those that subsist on meal replacement shakes and eat nothing else. I admire their discipline, but I honestly think those people are crazy, and are letting the good things in life pass them by. Life's too short to not enjoy your meals!
Maybe when my finals are over I'll consider making more drastic changes in my life. But for now, I remain a contented slob with my nasi lemaks and maggi gorengs.
But why is the world so crazily fixated with looks? Are good looking people really superior to the less fortunate folk, that they really deserve better jobs and greater opportunities? Have we really reached the shallow point of human existence where plastic surgery has become a normalcy?
This isn't just about maintaining a perfect figure, but also having the perfect facial features. One must have the double eyelids, the small sharp nose, the clear skin, and the complete lack of any scars or disfigurement. The pressure is on for us to all look like Kens and Barbies, and the cruel reality is almost everyone that have unattractive looks will be looked down on.
And I really don't understand why this is. Especially because we're all born with different genes, and it's not anyone's fault if he/she was born ugly; but as long as they're kind-hearted people, why should they be treated as second-class citizens? With fat people, I suppose the ludicrous justification is that we're just too lazy and incapable of taking care of our health, and therefore will not be able to manage any other responsibilities. Whenever someone we know gains weight, we usually view it as her "letting herself go" and "losing her grip", when instead it's just her finding other priorities in life more pressing.
I can't remember the number of times I've been brushed aside conversationally, because some "cool" people that think I'm not attractive enough completely ignore me. It's insulting and demeaning, and makes me want to punch that person. Thanks for making me feel inferior, jerk.
But truth be told, I think we're all guilty of sometimes not wanting to be publicly seen associating with certain people, simply because of how they look or act. We easily feel embarrassed when dealing with such a spectacle in public view, and may tend to be selectively deaf to what that person has to say. So I suppose I'm not as victimised as I initially thought.
We keep being taught that looks are inconclusive, and it's "what's on the inside that counts". However, this ideology, much like all other Hollywood crap, has almost no place in our shallow world today. People are so fixated on looks that anyone who is fat or ugly don't stand a chance in getting ahead in life.
By which I mean, if the pretty and ugly worker had the exact same attitude and skill set, the pretty one would undoubtedly be promoted over the ugly one. The only way the ugly one would be chosen instead would be if she were completely outstanding. And the same thing goes with guys. The less attractive ones never get picked by the hotter guys, because everyone wants an "equal" partner.
The only time one would care to look beneath the surface, is when both candidates are equally attractive. A pretty face will take you so far these days, it doesn't even seem worth it to have a good personality to go with it. Because everyone judges on first impressions, and sad to say, the unattractive people will never get as much attention as those in the figure-hugging pencil skirts on perilously high stilettos.
It's times like this where I think guys have it easy. Guys aren't expected to maintain a perfect figure at any time to succeed. As long as they're not grossly overweight, they are automatically deemed as attractive. Matter of fact, chubby guys are even preferred by some girls, and call them cute and cuddly. And there ain't no right-minded guy that ever had such a preference for chubby girls.
So really now; why don't I want to lose weight again if life sucks so much being fat?
At this point, it's all due to laziness to change my eating habits, and also due to the aforementioned upcoming finals and comfortable social life.
I suppose it's also a matter of self-confidence. Most of the time, I'm pretty confident with how I look despite my weight (nice shoes help), so I feel that all's right with the world. But there are times when it seems as if everyone hates me and is giving me superior stares, and it's these times when I hole myself up and attempt horrible things.
There is a dark side of me that wonders if I enjoy being chubby to be able to continue playing the victim card. Because I'm already smart enough and pretty enough, so if this major unattractive aspect was removed and nothing in my life changed, it would mean there much worse is wrong with me. And it's something I'm not eager to find out about.
So it's back to binge eating we go.