Thursday, October 11, 2012

Miss Not-So-Independent

Recently, I made an appointment to remove my braces on the 23rd of November, which is slightly over a month away. I'm still a little rattled at how quickly the past one and a half year has gone by, although I can't say I'll miss having braces on.

What is bugging me the most - and this may seem incredibly shallow - is this: I have not kissed a guy since I've had my braces on. And the odds of me kissing one before I get them off are slim to none.

I remember being mortified at the prospect of having to lock lips with someone with a mouth full of metal gear. I felt self-conscious and unattractive, and honestly felt that I would be rated a lousy kisser by my next beau. Obviously, I hadn't at all foreseen that I would still be single at the end of 2012, and it seems that I needn't have worried myself at all.

I hate to admit it, but I feel lonely. And as I've written not too long ago about being happily single, this realisation was both painful and embarrassing to come to. Part of it may be having to do with my closest friends being too busy these past few weeks to hang out with me, which has led to me feeling somewhat deprived of meaningful social interaction.

But for the most part, I guess I just miss being intimate. And for all perverts out there, this to me means having a shoulder to lean on and arms to hold me, and having someone to talk to all the time and be completely comfortable with. I miss being somebody's special someone, and being showered with love and attention.

I miss the giddy sensation of being in love. Of tumbling head-over-heels, of having butterflies in my tummy, of being swept off my feet, and of being every cliche imaginable of an unsuspecting wanderer struck by Cupid's arrow.

Instead, all I've had the past one and a half years are fruitless crushes, that start out as a mad, consuming obsession and within days fizzle out to nary a spark. I haven't been writing lately, because these thoughts that have been floating around in my head clamouring to be heard, make me sound like a crazy desperate person. Which I'm not, because I still refuse to compromise my standards just because I'm feeling a tad sick of having being single for so, so long.

One of those crazy crushes over a virtual stranger actually led to me beginning to write a love story, hoping to turn it into a novel. After the crush inevitably fizzled out days later however, I found no interest in continuing this story, period.

But the draft, which has only been read by two other people, still remains with me. And despite everything, I am still very proud of my rashly written, poorly planned first attempt at becoming a novelist.

The reason I haven't published this earlier is because the story is embarrassingly transparent, as I was at the peak of my crush, and as such lacked the foresight to disguise more facts and make things more fictional. However, it also shows the type of relationship I'm dying to be in: love at first sight, with constant happy surprises, with someone tall, smart and sexy.

And so, without further ado because I have been rambling on so much already, I present my discontinued love story between Rhiannon and Damien.


Chapter One: Struck by Lightning

Rhiannon was dumbstruck by Damien the second she saw him. Tall, well built, and undeniably good looking, he would indeed have caught any girl's fancy. But it was something more that drew Rhiannon's attention, and that was the aura of compassion and kindness that surrounded him.

She could tell that this was not a guy who would smoke, or do drugs, or enjoy getting drunk. He would not deliberately hurt her or mess with her feelings. In short, he just seemed like a Good Guy; and lately, he was the only specimen she had seen where the Good Guy and the Good Looking Guy characteristics coincided.

She wondered if he felt something too when their eyes met for that one precious second, now forever etched in her memories. That sudden jolt of want and familiarity, coming together to make all her pheromones stand to attention and made her heartpace quicken. "Please," she silently prayed, "Please let him be straight."

Indeed, it was not the ideal situation to be distracted by an attractive member of the opposite sex. You see, Rhiannon and Damien were not two random people passing each other in a crowded street, but were both in an exam hall. She was taking her all-important finals, and he was one of the invigilators.

Although she was unprepared for her exams, Rhiannon could not take her mind off Damien, and couldn't wait for her next few papers. She spent hours imagining a world where they were together in a happy relationship, even though at this point she didn't know anything about him, not even his name. All her romantic soul could think about was The Connection that she had felt, and that was all the information she needed to know.

Perhaps she was out of her mind in actually hoping for a future with him, but what did she have to lose? She'd never been in a serious relationship, having just got out of her last toxic one over a year ago.

All she wanted was a fantasy. A fairytale; a Cinderella story if you pardon the cliche, where for once the handsome prince would fall in love with the plain peasant girl and they would ride off into the sunset in each others arms on a noble steed. Having not being attracted to anyone on campus thus far, she was genuinely surprised about the intensity of her feelings for Damien upon first sight.

Rhiannon managed to snoop around (not that it was too difficult, given the wonderful stalking tool of Facebook), and managed to find out Damien was a sophomore, one year above her, and although the limited evidence pointed to him being very much single and available, there remained one sour pickle in Rhiannon's fairytale fantasy: Damien was leaving to the UK to study within the next month.

She was distraught. Scrunching her face in frustration, she cursed her bad luck in her love life, and resolved to get over him, and focus all her energies on her ongoing exam, instead of wasting hours daydreaming and doodling Damien's name in flowery cursive writing.

Things didn't go to plan though. Rhiannon couldn't stop thinking about Damien no matter how she tried. It was as if he had burrowed into her skin the first time they locked gazes, and he had happily nestled himself right beneath her surface, so that she regularly caught herself still thinking and dreaming about being with him.

"This is ridiculous!" Rhiannon lamented in exasperation, after the wall clock chimes told her that she had spent twenty minutes fantasising about a relationship with Damien, instead of studying for her final paper in two days, which was likely the last she would ever see of him. "He's leaving in a matter of weeks Riri," she mumbled to herself, using the nickname that everyone else called her. "Get over him, and get back to work."

And get back to work she did. She still caught herself dreaming about Damien, but through the sheer force of steely will managed to push herself to finish preparations for her final paper.

In the exam hall though, she could not help but feel his presence whenever he was near her, even though she kept her head down to focus on her paper. At the end of the paper, she gathered the courage to finally stare directly at Damien; being of shy character, Rhiannon usually only ever allowed herself sideway glances of someone she fancied, too worried about any embarrassment about being caught out.

But this boy seemed special. Rhiannon couldn't believe that until this point, she still had hopes about being with him, despite knowing that he would be gone very soon.

Suddenly, as if he became aware of her stare, Damien momentarily stiffened and turned towards her. Their eyes met, and Rhiannon's heart caught in her throat. "He literally makes me lose my breath," Rhiannon realised, as she noticed that she was holding her breath in anticipation.

And then, in a surreal moment that Rhiannon thought she had dreamed, Damien smiled and winked at her, all the while holding her gaze.

She dropped her head immediately to hide her furious blushing. Alarm bells clamoured loudly in her mind and fought for attention with her wildly beating heart. "What," she thought unbelievingly, "was THAT?"

Like a flick of a light switch, suddenly Rhiannon felt ridiculous. "I can't believe I fell for yet another playboy," she angrily thought as she gritted her teeth, "He's just another heartless flirt."

Settled in her state of self-righteous, maligned annoyance, Rhiannon made her way to the exit, mentally planning to meet up with her friends Faye and Collin to tell them all about this adorable guy she met, and how looks were oh so deceiving. She was looking forward to a long happy session of catching up and shooting the breeze, having alienated herself from them in preparation for her finals, which were now over.

Not looking where she was going, Rhiannon came to a sudden instinctive stop when she realised there was someone in front of her blocking her way. Refocusing her sight, she realised she was staring at a pair of hands, holding out a slip of folded paper towards her.

Lifting her gaze, she saw Damien's shy, somewhat apologetic smile. He looked down towards the slip of paper, and moved it closer to her. In a dazed, puzzled state, Rhiannon took it and left the exam hall, as there was already a small crowd behind her eager to exit to celebrate the end of exam season.

As she turned back, Damien had already disappeared from the spot he was standing in mere seconds ago. Finally, her attention was drawn to the piece of paper. A million questions racing in her mind, she gently unfolded the slightly crumpled slip.

It was a small piece of paper hastily torn off a notepad, judging from the uneven jagged edges. But Rhiannon did not notice anything but the words written in black ink that jumped out at her the instant she stretched the piece of paper flat.

Call me maybe? ;)"

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