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Friday, September 14, 2012

Endeared.

Rhiannon had already pondered the what-ifs in all scenarios involving Callum. They all usually ended up at the same resolution: they had missed their window of opportunity, and it was unlikely to ever come around again. Rhiannon believed she had long relinquished hold of the naive hope that persistently suggested a passionate reunion between two starcrossed lovers.

We wouldn't have worked out anyway, she thought to herself, as she remembered the numerous gaping differences between them. Differences that made them incompatible, and would inevitably lead to disagreements and dissatisfaction for both of them.

So why the feeling of loss when Callum was leaving to pursue further education? The noticeable dip in her mood whenever she thought about his departure?


Rhiannon chalked it down to this: you never forget your first love.

Callum was not her first relationship, but she had never fallen for anyone like she had fallen for him. Her infatuation with him had taken up a whole quarter of her life thus far; but she did not see it as wasted time, as she had truly believed at that time that he was The One. For all those years of mostly unrequited infatuation, Callum had occupied the role of her knight in shining armour in all Rhiannon's fantasies.

She had loved him in a way she had yet to love another. It was such a shame that his intensity did not match hers, but it did nothing to dampen her feelings for him.


But now, Callum was leaving. They parted with promises to keep in touch, which she knew they would keep. But she also knew that the Callum she once knew and loved would never be the same again, because going abroad permanently changes oneself; and Rhiannon hoped that the Callum she would meet in the future would have evolved into a man she would be proud of having once loved.

Callum had been her dream guy once, and Rhiannon was unprepared for the shock reverberating through her as she realised she still, despite everything, held on to the tiniest spark of "what if?" for a reconciliation. His departure had such momentous finality, it put an irreversible strain on the spark. She keenly felt the loss of a love once had, and marvelled at how it affected her despite all the time that had passed.

It could be compared to losing one's leg, and then feeling the loss of becoming a prima ballerina, even though one hadn't danced for 10 years. Rhiannon wondered if she would even be having these thoughts and feelings, had there not been a ticking clock on the time Callum had remaining on native soil. The shared memories of what had been fleeted through her mind's eye like a Rolodex, leaving her uncharacteristically sentimental and wistful.

Rhiannon sighed, and resigned herself to always holding a soft spot for the only person she had truly given her heart to (nevermind that he practically trampled on it). With the benefit of hindsight however, she resolved to not let history repeat itself, and only give her heart away again to someone that would reciprocate in kind.


As she waved to Callum's departing figure as he entered the boarding zone, Rhiannon smiled, and lifted a silent prayer for her friend's safe flight and happiness abroad. Callum would go on to encounter new experiences and new lovers, and she was genuinely excited for him.

Because it was better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all.

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