Thursday, June 7, 2012

Resolve of steel.

I realise I have come across as confused and frustrated pertaining to matters of my education/career path in certain previous posts. True, I still have no idea what I plan to do with my life, and its been starting to dawn on me that no, I will not be scouted to become rich and famous overnight for any reason, despite what certain Hollywood movies have chosen to tell me.

I have yet to decide if I should remain in and complete my course, switch courses, or even God (read: parents) forbid, drop out and take a gap year. The problem however, remains that I have yet to identify a more attractive career field option; and also that although I do not adore my current position, I am comfortable with it, and do not dread getting up every day to brain-straining law volumes. Why fix what isn't broken, just because of a lack of passion?

Today, I not entirely broken free from the jungle of doubt and insecurity towards the future, but the foggy mist that has left me blindly stumbling has lifted. Understanding has dawned upon me that I am the most kiasu (direct translation: afraid of losing/sore loser) person I know.

I suppose I am a little above average when it comes to academic nonsense. It balances out though so don't hate me, because I have literally zero social life and I have the level of technological knowledge that a 2 year old would possess during the pre-iPad era. I have always scored highly for major tests, and although I still am happily surprised everytime it happens, I suppose it has led to exceedingly high expectations that I have set for myself.

I had a mini test today.

I knew since 2 weeks ago, yet neglected to prepare for it until late last night, starting at almost midnight. Reasons for this include that I have studied 95% of this material last year and I have pretty good memorising skills, but mainly that I was a victim of major procrastination. No arguments here, I brought the large boulder of stress onto myself.

And then I sat down today for my test. Despite not preparing as well as I know I should have, I know that I pushed myself to the very limits of my capability to argue. I know that I have put down every case I could possibly squeeze from the very back of my memory, and I feel satisfied with my first two essays of the year.

And it feels...rewarding. Rewarding to know that I still can put a strong foot forward even after all my nonsensical crap and being too lazy to study. Rewarding to know that I am still able to trounce others that have put in more effort than I have. Most rewarding of all, to know that I do have something to give; that I have a great deal of potential to contribute to the world, and that I just need to work harder in finding an avenue for it.

Because I know I did well today. And I will do well in the test next Friday. And the big scary finals in 55 days. Confused about my future I may still be, but I'll be damned if I allow potential good results to slip through my fingers just to feel sorry for myself.

Because I have a freaking 4.0 GPA from last year to maintain, damnit. I don't have the freaking luxury of time to allow myself to doubt my path anymore, or at least until the last paper is over.


  1. I happen to follow you, so I still read.

    Understand that ultimately, the end product of studying is learning, NOT good grades. Then maybe you'll find what you love learning. And that might help you pick your course.

    I once posted on Facebook saying that when picking a course, don't think about your ambition, or job/career. Instead, think about what you're actually interested in learning. Everything else, God willing, will fall into place.

    The YouTube video I posted some time ago, have you watched it? That video really inspired me at one point of my life.

    1. I actually did watch it! But it didn't really help me. Because I DON'T KNOW where my passion lies (yet), so while I try to discover it, there's no reason for me to not give everything I have to my current course. You're lucky la though, knew you wanted architecture since forever.

      Btw, thanks for still following! Nice to know there are nice people here. :D



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