Saturday, November 19, 2011

More to life.

"When you face your fear of the world of tomorrow, you become a different person altogether." -- author unknown.

I realise that this is going to be an unpopular topic. Nevertheless, it is one I knew with absolute certainty that this just had to be my next post, which is why I've been putting off blogging. That, and I've been really busy with my exams the past few weeks, which are now OVER yay!

So anyway, today's topic is the ever-uncomfortable discussion of Death, and what I believe lies beyond the grave. Please note that this is a very personal discussion, and my personal opinion was formed throughout this whole week of deep reflection. Everyone is entitled to his/her own opinion on such a sensitive issue.

I don't know how the thought just crept up in my head about 10 days ago. Suddenly, I was caught in the fear of the unknown, of what would happen once we passed beyond that astral curtain.

Would we just cease to exist? That all our experiences and spirit would fade away together with a rotting corpse? Or would we simply pass on from one form of existence to another, aka reincarnation?

The uncertainty of what lies beyond made me horribly anxious, leaving me unable to eat, sleep, or generally focus on anything else. I literally felt a huge permanent weight in my stomach, and it felt as if even my senses had dulled, leaving the world around me strangely dreary.

I am a Catholic Christian, and so is my entire family. Since before I could remember, we were taught that when we die, we would be Judged by God, and either sentenced to a life in Heaven or Hell for eternity. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I also believe that this is the viewpoint of most other major religions.

Either way, I was torn apart. I felt I was in a very dark place in my mind, and I felt that life was so meaningless, that our time was so limited that we could die merely seconds from now. My life felt like Final Destination after that, and with everything I did I pictured how it could tragically result in ultimate demise.

I just had so many concerns over this uncertain future. How did death feel like? Was it unbearably painful? Was it an incomparable feeling of deep relief? Or was there no sensation at all? Also important, would we ever see our loved ones again?

I was so afraid.

The fear persisted to haunt me in everything I did, and so I just had to face it. The fear of uncertainty of the world of tomorrow is a constant fear that I believe almost everyone has encountered and promptly dismissed. But since death is one thing we all will face one day, it would make much more sense if we addressed this fear.

I went into a lot of thought, reasoning, and most importantly prayer. It was unbelievably soul-draining and emotional, but I believe I came out a better, more focused person. Fear is a powerful thing indeed, and should be used as a driving force, not a crippling one.

What I came up with was that I truly believe that we were put on this earth for a reason, and that we were not going to pass over into nothingness, because that was not the purpose of our creation.

I guess facing my fear brought me closer to my religion. I believe that if we do our absolute best, one day we'll be rewarded for it. And people you love now, you will meet again in the next life. We will never walk alone, because the everloving God is always by our side.

Thus, it is time I live my life to serve Him, instead of to serve man. Time to be less selfish and judging towards others, and work on improving myself. For we are not people of the world, but people of God's kingdom.

I suppose reflecting on this also helped me pinpoint the most important things in my life : my relationships. My ties with God, family, and friends. It is just too easy to take things and people for granted, but once they're gone, you miss them so much and wish you had appreciated them more before. I no longer want to feel that deep-seated regret of not allowing one to make a greater impact on my life while they were still alive.

I hope that through this reflection, I will become a better person. I have since no longer been carrying that huge ball of fear and anxiety in my stomach, but the lessons learned remain afresh.

Please note yet again that I understand that this is just my own viewpoint, and it was very difficult to share it as it really is highly personal. I respect everyone else's view on this subject, and I have no intention of forcing my beliefs on anyone.

All I hope is that for whoever reads this, you will learn to treasure each fleeting moment more than before, because the only thing one can be completely sure of in life is death. Live your life to the fullest!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going out to enjoy the sunshine while we still have an ozone layer to prevent me from turning into a scary zombie-esqe mutant. Next up, to join the zombie army and bring about the zombie apocalypse!

(I'm just kidding. Honestly, I think the zombie apocalypse is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard of, yet its still become so scarily popular. We are NOT going to be hunted and eaten by reanimated corpses, nor can we re-kill the undead with fire and bullets. Just saying.)

Thursday, October 27, 2011

"Friend zone".

(Placed in inverted commas because I think it's one of the silliest things ever.)

The "friend zone" lament by guys has been overcrowding all forms of social networks nowadays.

All over the Internet, guys are complaining of being "everything a girl says she's looking for", but yet she only considers him as a friend.

They protest that girls are idiots that always fall for the asshole guy that screws them over and bleeds them dry, and then have the nerve to say that all guys are assholes, simply because they "friend zone" the nice guy that's been in front of them this whole while.

Umm, hello pot, it's the kettle calling. Won't you please answer my call?

What about guys that "friend zone" girls?

What about those girls that you yourselves have put in your own "friend zone" while you were chasing this hot chick that you already knew didn't like you the same way?

You know, those girls you think are "nice", but they're just too fat/ugly/stupid/boring for you to be interested in?

Aren't you yourselves guilty of putting these people in the "friend zone" yourselves just because you could never in a million years see yourselves dating them?

So why are us girls being shot down for being too picky then?

Guys claim girls set their standards too high. They want a successful guy that's also good looking and kind hearted, which is near impossible for 99% of the male population to be.

Well then, what kind of girls are you searching for?

Definitely the tall, leggy, busty supermodel with a brain to boot right? (Ok I'm kidding, I know the brain is optional.)

And obviously, this amazingly hot chick wouldn't date plain ol' you. But you spend all your time whining and pining over her, blaming the "friend zone" for standing in your supposedly otherwise clear path.

Dude, you never stood a chance. As neither do those other non-bombshell girls waiting in the sidelines.

But wait. What is that you are now saying?

"I couldn't possibly imagine dating her, she's just like a friend to me!"

Precisely my next point.

A person is only put in the "friend zone" because of the lack of sparks/chemistry/butterfliesinyourtummy.

You are only put in the "friend zone" because simply enough, he/she is not attracted to you.

All the love and laments and time spent pining over another will not work out in the end if there are just no sparks there to ignite.

All that just happens in fantasies. And every single Hollywood chick flick ever made. (Stop watching those, they're all lies!)

You can't force someone to feel something for you. Noone can control how or to whom these sparks fly, especially times when you fall for someone you just know is 100% wrong for you.

Yes, it is unfair because you love him/her so so much but nothing would ever transpire. But so what?

It isn't the end of the world. Just forget it if it's not gonna work out anyway, bitch about it to your friends, then pick yourself up and start all over again.

As they say, there are plenty more fish in the sea. And if you wait long enough, a special fish might swim into your net. Even if not, pick up your nets and cast them at another location.

So to all you dudes that blame your hopeless love lives on the "friend zone", guess what?


Thursday, October 13, 2011


I wish I could write about something else. But there's only one thing on my mind. And that's you, ML.

Stupid crush sapping away all my focus to study. Sigh.

I realise though, that this is just an excuse. I've been able to perform well in these kind of situations before. Maybe I'm just not serious enough about what I'm doing.

Why though? Do I honestly still think my dream of writing, of performing will actually come to fruition?

Perhaps I do, and my excuse for merely being above average and not exceptional is because I want that get-out clause.

I still dream about being able to do what I love for a living. Not just what I am willing to tolerate.

To be able to pour my heart out in writing, in song, in dance. Expressions of the soul just for the sake of expression; pure and without holding back.

Sigh. Dreams that will never come to be, burried away in that elephant graveyard at the back of my mind.

Back to reality, Jules. Focus.

Back to law.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

My heart skips a beat.

How do you expect me to react to your platonic words, when every fibre of my being wishes to hurl myself across at you?

Knowing that it is not in the slightest way possible that anything could ever transpire from this unfortunate infatuation, how am I supposed to handle things?

As it is, how do you control whom your heart beats for, whose name you most long to pop up on your phone screen, whom's arms you most want to be in, and whom remains the last thought in your head and the first when you wake up?

This is ridiculous.

It's been going on for so long. This crazy little crush that has been occupying my thoughts and fantasies for the past month.

All I know of you is what you choose to project to the world. I choose to believe you have a beautiful soul, and a pure heart.

I choose to believe that the passion that flares in your eyes when you speak of what clearly excites you is real. I choose to admire your supposed amazing dedication and your hardworking spirit.

Sometimes, looks really do not matter. I hardly even notice how you look like. (Unless you're wearing a suit, which I have a fetish for.) What lies beneath your surface is sufficient to keep me wrapped around your little finger.

However, since I do not know you at all, how do I really know that is who you really are? Or is everything just an intriguing facade?

Regardless, you have no idea I exist. To you, I am just another within a sea of meaningless faces. To think otherwise would be foolish.

It would be much more sensible for you to be with one of your own circle, and not with one who would clearly cause much trouble for both sides. Given a choice, I'm certain you would rather want someone you could connect better with on every level.

Also, I've been down a similar path before. It hurt so much the previous time, what makes me think this will be any different?

But don't you see, you can't rationalise everything.

I can't explain why this persistent infatuation lingers, or why this spark alights within me with you.

This has to be the most reckless crush I've ever had. Given that if it actually worked out between us, I would be sacrificing my whole future.

Honestly, my whole life would be turned upside down if this actually came to be. I would lose every shred of credibility I ever had, and the ensuing rumour mill would be brutal and scarring.

Regardless, I still want this; want you.

And it scares me sometimes, how deeply you can fall, how strongly you can long, for someone you don't know.

For ML : with all my heart.

Friday, October 7, 2011

How to change the world.

My iPhone comes with an inbuilt story.

It all started when I decided I simply had to go for the Lion King musical in Marina Bay Sands, Singapore. The show was enjoyable I suppose, but a great letdown in the sense that I expected my first professional musical experience to be life changing, being a lover of the arts. (That, and ticket prices cost a bomb.)

Oh digressing a bit here. Did you notice the 'cost' in the last sentence of the previous paragraph being used in place of 'costed'? Apparently 'cost' itself is the past tense of 'cost'.

Initially I typed 'costed', but my OCD was killing me as I couldn't recall any situation where the word 'costed' was ever used. So I just had to go look it up to pacify my mad OCD. Stupid thing.

Ok digression over.

So anyway, when the family and I were in Singapore, we took the train the get around. My dad even complained that the trains were taking too long, which was ridiculous as I have to endure 30 mins waiting for an overcrowded train every weekday. (Seriously, after my education I never wanna take that stupid ktm disaster ever again.)

The point being, EVERYONE ON THAT TRAIN WAS USING AN IPHONE. It didn't seem to matter which direction we turned, everyone of every age was happily tapping away on their intuitive touch screens of their overpriced phones.

This kinda drove my mom into an intense state of (peer?) pressure.

She spent the next few days lamenting that she wanted an iPhone. Granted, her phone was in dire need of replacement, given it didn't even ring when people called, regardless of whether it was on silent mode or not.

You should probably know that my mom is a technophobe. And this is coming from me, that knows less about technology than anyone I know. Hence, a smartphone would honestly be wasted on her.

But my dad, being my amazing dad, went ahead and bought her an iPhone 4 for her birthday a few weeks later.

And get this.

Less than 24 hours after she started using it, she declared it was too complicated and promptly decided to give it to me.

Bear with me now, a tiny snippet of background information required here. That being, I have always been very outspoken on how I do not want to own an iPhone, even way before our little trip.

I disdained it for being too expensive, too popular, and too quickly made obsolete when the newer model comes out.

Also, I dislike touch screen phones as they seem impossible for me to type with. It was sufficient for me to play with my friends' iPhones when I wanted to play an iPhone app, and then return to my reliable old phone with good ol' buttons.

However, my phone has been serving me since I was 14. It stood the test of time, and doubtless has seen me through my many changing stages of life, but how could I say no to a free smartphone that would serve me so much better?

And so I made a life changing decision. And I have since eaten all my words.

I literally cannot live without my iPhone.

I use it for everything imaginable, and then some. I mean, I spend hours playing games, no longer carry around my camera and iPod anymore, and I haven't touched a computer in weeks, because I can now get it all in one place. In fact, all blog posts thus far have been typed on my iPhone.

It's amazing how convenient that one little phone can be. Honestly, I can now understand why it become such a global phenomenon.

Admittedly the touch screen keyboard thing was difficult at first, but after you've been glued to the phone for so long, you get used to it.

It's been little over a month since I first received my iPhone, and I now suffer separation anxiety every single time my phone is not within direct reach.

In plain words, the iPhone changed my life. And probably millions of satisfied customers all around the globe will have similar sentiments to share.

And all the kudos goes to one amazing man.

Steven Paul "Steve" Jobs
(Feb 24, 1955 - Oct 5, 2011)

iThankyou Steve Jobs. You have truly changed the world.

May your soul rest in peace, Amen.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Game of Love.

It is a danger when you realise you feel something for someone you should have never felt something for in the first place. When you realise you spend almost all your waking moments thinking about him. (Which is made worse by the problem of impending examination doom.)

But isn't there a sort of masochistic allure that draws you towards unrequited love?

This same allure of all classic romance yarns the like of Romeo and Juliet, Mark and Cleopatra; all revolving around the single principle of one daring to believe they could love someone they shouldn't.

Perhaps Hollywood has also played it's part towards all this "dreams will come true" nonsense. The sheer volume of romantic movies that has been churned out to cater to this forbidden allure. (Guilty of being one of these suckers.)

But who ever really knows?

Maybe I will end up with this guy. Maybe we'll end up really falling in love and sail off into the sunset together.

The whole point is, regardless of how unlikely the chances, who are we to tell our hearts to stop beating for that certain someone? How do you stop (perhaps one-sided) meaningful glances from occurring?

Ultimately, who are we to stop love when it chooses to smack us in the face, albeit in the least expected form?


However, this may not be love. Naïve as I may be, I believe I have learned though countless heartwrenching ordeals to be able to differentiate between love and infatuation. (Teehee I sound so worldly.)

Nevertheless, a pounding heart and an indescribable need still pulses through me everytime you walk by. You will never know this though.

We are worlds apart, after all.

But until this feeling goes away, who knows what may happen. In the safe confines of my mind of course.

(For ML : a hidden desire of which he will never know.)


I feel like a fool. It seems like everywhere I turn, my bad decisions choose to follow me.

I'm tired of this. It's bad enough I know that I'm completely unprepared for what is to come. I don't need added expectations of so many weighing down my shoulders and shrieking in my ears.

Depression? Possibly. Am definitely exhausted enough to qualify as being completely stressed out. Sleep deprivation does that to you.

That's right y'all.

It's exam season.

Hours upon hours of last minute cramming; blaming my incessant procrastinating for putting me yet again in this position I swore I'd never put my self in again.

Every time I struggle to remember yet another fact that has casually sashayed off my brain, I feel yet another soul-draining moment of pure terror.

It's not easy being me. (Oh har har, yet another typical teenage warcry.)

But when blessed with abilities of more than the average student, you tend to stand out, which leads to so much being expected of you. The pressure alone would kill anyone.

And yourself of course. Letting down yourself that would be the worst failure of all. Clichéd perhaps, but aren't most clichés true to begin with?

Especially at this stage of your life. Tertiary education is so different because it's something you actually feel passionate about.

But to be able to write 3 long essays in 1 and a half hours has proven to be one of the hardest challenges ever faced. And I truly worry it will lead to my downfall.

Seems as if no matter how hard I try, I'm still a far cry away from what I want to achieve. Procrastination is following me everywhere.

It sticks to me like a second shadow and seems to have brought along it's good pal Anxiety. (Oh yes hello there.)

But many have walked down this road and excelled. I know I could too, but it's so highly unlikely at this stage.

It feels like I'm heading for imminent doom.

And this frustrates me.

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